January 9th - Dan

I made a lot of friends in college.  Some I've kept up with, others I see on Facebook but never connect with, and other's I've completely lost track of over the years.  Luckily, my friend Maureen falls into the first category.  She has followed my other blogs and is always quick with a new movie recommendation that I should check out.  I'm fortunate that we've been able to maintain our friendship over the years, and it made me glad to learn that she had met someone that made her truly happy.

Though we had never met, her boyfriend, Dan, volunteered to participate in this blog.  I can't thank him enough for that, and I appreciate his candor, humor, and openness.  Because he had quite the story to tell.



Dan

Dan is from Mount Vernon, which is a suburb of NYC about ten minutes from the Bronx.  He said that he had the perfect childhood, and that his family was well off.  But that was never enough, because as it turned out, he was an addict.

"Addition is a disease of 'more,'" Dan said, "you always want more.  My dad made a lot of money, but I had to have more.  My brothers were successful, but I had to have more.  And, ultimately, when I started using, I had to have more."

Dan got into drinking at 10 years old.  His family moved around quite a bit, and he ended up going to two elementary schools, two middle schools, two high schools, and two colleges.  Throughout these changes in schools, the one constant was that love of drinking.  He got into dealing drugs in college, didn't go to class, and partied too much.

It's a story that many share in terms of their adolescent and college years.  But after college, Dan's addictions took a turn for the worse.  He decided to quit drinking, but a friend offered him pain killers ("I went the opposite route of quitting drinking," he said, laughing).  Painkillers lead to cocaine and heroin.

Dan went to work in the fashion industry after college.  "You hear those stories about people that have offices in NYC, but end up sleeping on a park bench in Central Park.  That was totally me."

He told a story about having a board meeting with a VP of Gap at one point in his struggles with addiction.  During the meeting, he nodded off in front of the VP.  "That was the end of that," Dan said.  Unfortunately, he was referring to the job, not the drugs.

"At one point I was making 6 figures but all of my money went to my addition.  I was living in my car in the parking lot of the office building where I worked.  That was not a highlight."

I bring up the episode of Seinfeld where George leaves his car at the stadium to make it look like he's the first one there, and Dan laughs.  "That's exactly what it was.  I'd pay the security guard, who was also an addict, in drugs, and I'd sleep in my car.  I'd use the company gym to shower in the morning and then go to work hours before anyone else got there.  It looked like I was this great employee, when really I was a complete mess."

His best friend was even further into the depths of addiction, working as a drug runner to fuel his habits.  The friend eventually got so tired of not seeing his one year old and that he got sober.  After he was sober for six months, he called Dan.  Dan didn't believe that he was sober, but the friend was and that is what got him thinking (this was when Dan was sleeping on a park bench, so it was a pretty important thought to have).

"I had been running my entire life.  I'd blown through homes and cars and I finally realized that material things never brought me happiness.  All it did would bring me back to my needs.  I finally agreed to commit to being sober. I finally just gave up, it was time to surrender to the idea that I couldn't live that kind of life.  I was going to work the program."

Dan moved to Portland, Maine, because of the large population of people in recovery there.  He now sponsors others in AA.  "I talk to strangers now and help them find the life that I now have through recovery," he said.  He's been there for 16 months, and is looking to move forward in his career again.

"I love Maine," he said, "and I'm never leaving.  The transition has been a good one, coming from such a fast-paced place as New York.  Portland, at least the downtown area, feels a lot like Brooklyn."

"The best part," he continued, "is that I can go 20 minutes south and be at the beach, and 15 minutes north and be in the mountains.  Being a city kid, those were vacations.  Now they're day trips.  I don't think Mainers completely understand how much of a dream they're living.  Being on a beach...that's heaven."



What's your favorite joke?

Dan: I don't really have a favorite joke, not really a joke teller.  I'm more into self-deprecating sarcasm. I'm a story guy, that's my kind of humor.  My friends back home, we busted each others balls, that's what got us laughing.



What's the meal that reminds you most of home?

Dan: Ziti.  I'm Italian, and homemade food that my family makes...it reminds me of being back with them.  I don't go out to Italian restaurants up here, because there are no real places up here in Maine. I honestly had a panic attack when I went to Amato's (a local sandwich chain famous for their "Italian" sandwiches) and ordered an Italian and got a ham and cheese.

Italian food is simple, it's old recipes passed down.  The majority of people were really poor, so it's supposed to be rustic.  When people make it too fancy, they're doing it wrong.



What's the most significant thing that happened this year?

Dan: I met the love of my life this year.  Maureen provides the perfect balance to my crazy.  Her crazy matches with my crazy.  I'm very zen-like now, after all that I've been through.  Nothing really bothers me, but she stresses about stuff and I can balance her out.



What musician that you'd bring back and why?

Dan: We're about the same age right?  Ok, so I'm bringing this back to the late 90s then. There were two bands that I absolutely loved, Blind Melon and Sublime.  So I'd have to say either Shannon Hoon or Bradley Nowell.  Probably Shannon is at the top of that list, he was a generational talent. "Changes" by Blind Melon is one of my favorite songs ever. And if you were a guy in the 90s it was hard to escape listening to Sublime.

Lars: That's a great answer.  I had initially said Bob Marley when I thought about this question, but now I'm thinking someone like Jeff Buckley.

Dan: Yup!

Lars: You know, this incredible talent that put out one record and was just gone.

Dan: Shannon Hoon was the same way.  Such a small output of work but so great, so much potential.



Will things be better or worse in 20 years?

Dan:  Better.  And this is why: The baby boomers aren't gonna run the country anymore, we are. People who are educated that have lived through whatever it is that we are going to live through are going to stop accepting stupid and reach for more.  I'm a grand optimist, and I truly believe intellectualism will win out.  That'll be the reaction to what we'll see over the next four years.

I'm a Republican that hasn't voted for a Republican presidential nominee since Bush.  I hate how closed minded my party and some of the country is.  I love everyone, and I hate how much of the party is devoted to restricting rights for certain populations, particularly the LGBT community.  Gays didn't cause Katrina!

But I think that Democrats really messed this one up, they left a lot of people behind.  They were built on unions and the Rust Belt and the middle class, and they lost those people somehow. Democrats have to show those people they are ready to fight for their interests.



This honestly was one of the best conversations I've had in a long time.  Dan was so open about his history (we all have one, right?).  He was also hopeful for the life that he's making for himself. I could have continued talking with him for a lot longer, which is surprising as I only "met" him when we started talking.  And I think the reason why was because he was so genuine.  Maureen had described him as an open book, and he was truly that.


Towards the end our conversation, Dan said something that I think exemplifies why I wanted to do this particular kind of project for my blog this month.

Dan: People don't go out to meet new people anymore.  When I was in my 20s, you went out and you found new people.  Now,  many people don't keep an open mind or go outside their comfort zone. We're set in our ways and its uncomfortable to do something new.  People just want to be comfortable, but I don't buy why that's a good thing. Life begins when you're unsettled.